


Five Times Someone Wanted to Punch Nick Fury and One Time They Did

by COFFEEISBLISS



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 19:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13014468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/COFFEEISBLISS/pseuds/COFFEEISBLISS
Summary: I'm pretty sure everyone in the Marvel fandom has wanted to punch Nick Fury in the face at least once! Well here is your wish fulfillment.  Five times someone wanted to punch Fury and one time they gave in and did it.  The stories will all be unrelated and I will post chapter by chapter.





	Five Times Someone Wanted to Punch Nick Fury and One Time They Did

I do not own anything related to the Marvel Universe. I make no money from this story. 

Tony stared at the man in front of him that had the gall to disable JARVIS and lounge about smugly waiting for him in the dark like a creepy creepster spy. Who the hell did he think he was? If this was how SHIELD recruited their assets, it did not bode well for him or the world they claimed to be protecting. Of course, he’d already gotten a lovely glimpse of SHIELD in action with “Natalie”. Rather than punch the douche in his sanctimonious face, Tony went with his tried-and-true method for dealing with the endless supply of people and organizations that had been trying to get close to him for various (always nefarious) purposes since the day he was born. He hit Fury with the full force of his blinding, empty, Tony Fucking Stark Smirk™ that he trotted out for the press. When the other man actually flinched the slightest bit around the eyes, Tony considered it a huge success.

“You made several mistakes, Nick,” he said smugly, staring the other man down with his irritating smirk still in place. He could see Fury physically restrain himself from standing up in response to the force of Tony’s expression and accusation. Another huge success in the world of Tony Stark.

Fury didn’t deign to answer in words, just kept staring at him with his creepy creepster spy expression.

“You should not have sent your honey-trap,” Tony explained helpfully. “That was so obvious as to border on insulting. Though whether it’s insulting to me that you think I’m so oblivious that I wouldn’t realize what she was or insulting to you that you actually think that “Natalie” is a convincing actress I’m not quite certain about.”

Fury continued to stare at him, but he could see the slight flash of confusion and apprehension.

Tony, being the giver that he was, decided to help him out. “I mean really, a redhead? That’s a little on the nose. Did you know she actually used SHIELD fighting techniques to take down Happy right in front of me? Last time I’d seen that particular fighting style was from the SHIELD agents that came to help with Stane. I watched all the footage after that mess to make sure your little drones didn’t “forget” anything on my property.”

Fury’s eyes widened in shock. “What?!?” he hissed, briefly losing his cool.

“I know, right?” Tony responded, commiserating with the man’s incredulity. “I knew it was a trap from the get-go, but I kept her around to figure out who sent her and why. My first guess was one of my competitors. One of my very first experiences with the honey trap method was when I was an impressionable 16-year-old college junior and Sunset Bain came to campus to seduce me. It wasn’t the last time that particular approach was used.”

Fury sighed, clearly annoyed at the way this conversation was heading.

“But your agent was all over the place,” Tony continued. “It was like she couldn’t figure out who she was supposed to be. I almost burst out laughing several times and gave myself away. And that’s rather remarkable considering I was slowly dying and being driven insane by palladium poisoning at the time. I guess I should thank you for that much at least… One minute she was a doe-eyed ingenue trying to seduce me and the next she takes down Happy, my body guard, in three moves. And Happy is a Master at various martial arts and street-fighting techniques. So that’s when I figured out she was SHEILD."

From the expression on Fury’s face, “Natalie” was going to be in for an interesting debriefing later.

“Now,” Tony continued, face suddenly deadly serious and barely concealing the deep well of rage there. “The biggest fucking mistake you made, that I promise you will pay for, is that you sent your spy into my company. She messed with our security, she installed bugs, and she had access to all sorts of proprietary information. You fucked up big there, Fury. You could have chosen any number of other ways to get her close enough to me to carry out your lame assessment. How do you think the world will react when I tell them that SHIELD sent a spy into Stark International where she installed spyware and sent regular reports to her handlers about what she found?” He paused for effect. “Oh wait, according to most of the world, SHIELD doesn’t exist, and that’s how you like it. Too bad that’s about to change in a big way.” He smirked his Tony Fucking Stark Smirk™ and dealt the ultimate insult to an old spy like Fury; he turned his back on him like he wasn’t a threat as he walked to grab a bottle of water from his mini-fridge.

“Stark,” Fury barked angrily from behind him. “Don’t threaten me. We both know you aren’t going to do it. You want to know why I’m here too badly for that.”

Tony turned around and leaned against the wall nonchalantly. “Well, I assume it’s to give me the results of that ridiculous assessment that Natalia Romanova performed,” he said, enjoying the flinch he got from Fury at his use of the spy’s real name.

“I’m here to talk to you about the Avenger’s initiative. You’ve become part of a bigger universe, you just don’t know it yet,” Fury stated gravely, attempting to get the conversation back on track. This was the trump card, and the gauntlet thrown, that he knew someone like Tony would not be able to resist.

Tony burst out laughing. “Wait, that’s it? That’s the line?” He laughed so hard he slid right down the wall until he was sitting on the floor.

Fury was pissed. Nothing about this meeting was going the way it was supposed to. Once again, he tried to get back on track. He tapped the folder that had been resting next to him for the whole meeting for dramatic effect, “Of course now I don’t think this applies to you anymore,” he finished. His expression was smug, knowing Tony couldn’t resist needing to know what was inside or the implication that he was found wanting.

Tony just stared at the man that was blatantly trying to manipulate him, apparently so completely certain that he was going to fall for the carrot on a stick routine that it was a foregone conclusion. That Tony would forget what Fury had done to get them to this point. It just made him angrier. If Fury hadn’t involved his company and JARVIS in this whole mess, Tony’s new habit for self-doubt and self-flagellation might have caused this meeting to go completely differently. But this farce of a conversation was the final blow that pushed Tony down the rabbit hole into a place he hadn’t been since Afghanistan when Yinsen died, or when he watched the footage of Gulmira. His hands were shaking and he almost couldn’t speak he was so filled with wrath.

“Let’s skip the run-around and get straight to the point. I don’t give a flying fuck what is in that folder and you are done trying to manipulate me. If this is your usual method of recruitment you are fucked because all you have managed to do is make an enemy of me.” He tilted his head, staring Fury down. “You’re not going to enjoy being my enemy very much. Just ask the 10 Rings. Oh wait, you can’t. I burned them all to the ground along with every single weapon of mine that they had.”

“Quit with the posturing, Stark,” Fury snapped, but he looked the slightest bit uncertain and afraid. He had never seen this side of Tony Stark.

It made the dark heart of Tony thrilled to see it. “I’m not posturing. Never had much use for it since I always complete everything I set out to do.” He paused. “And just now I find myself very motivated.”

“Stark,” Fury growled.

“No, this is your own fault,” Tony said coldly. “What happens next is a direct consequence of your actions. Really, I’m doing the world a favor. Super-secret organizations like SHIELD are dangerous. There’s no accountability, and as you know, accountability is kind of my watch word these days.”

“We won’t be able to act if you expose us,” Fury protested.

“There are many alphabet agencies that would beg to differ,” Tony replied. “And those agencies are already full of spies and secrets and redacted files, but at least they are public and when they screw up majorly people know about it.” He turned away from Fury again, pulling out his phone and typing rapidly on it.

“What are you doing?” Fury demanded. This had to be some elaborate ruse, he thought. A bluff Stark was making to prove a point. There was no way he could have been this wrong about the man.

“Texting Christine Everhart. She’s moved up in the world since her Vanity Fair days and I figure for old time’s sake I’ll throw her a bone. She’s just vicious and dogged enough for this type of project!"

“You’re bluffing,” Fury insisted.

Tony held up his phone so Fury could see the conversation between him and Christine that promised a huge scoop of epic proportions involving super-secret spy agencies that no one is supposed to know exist. With that hook, he was not surprised when she texted back 10 seconds later asking where and when he wanted to meet.

“You can’t do this!” Fury protested.

Tony gave him his patented Tony Fucking Stark Smirk™ and said, “Oh you’ll find I can.” He leaned in close to Fury’s ear, “and I’m going to have fun while I metaphorically blow your agency sky high. Consider this my official rejection letter to the Avenger’s initiative.”


End file.
